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Divorce Mediation Center
FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTIONS – FAQ’S
Mediation is a process where couples negotiate an acceptable agreement with the aid of a mediator. A mediator is a neutral party who assists in the negotiations; however, the mediator does not make the decisions for you. At the Divorce Mediation Center Inc., our mediators have over
twenty-five years of experience in working with people to resolve
disputes. We are experienced at finding out what the problems are,
and exploring the options with you. You make the decisions, we help
you. At the Divorce Mediation Center, Inc., we use a co-mediation system to help keep a balance during the mediation. Co-mediation means that we have both a male mediator and a female mediator who meet with the participants. The four people work together to look at the issues and find solutions. We take a few minutes during the first session to discuss how the process works, the role of the third-party neutral (attorney-mediator), and to make sure that the participants are in agreement in going forward. We ask the two participants to sign an Agreement to Mediate that forms the ground rules for the mediation and our business relationship. We review the Agreement to Mediate to make sure that everyone understands all of its terms. After the Agreement to Mediate has been signed by all participants, we begin discussing the issues that the participants will need to. agree on before a separation agreement can be prepared. At the Divorce Mediation Center Inc., we use a checklist that we have prepared especially for this purpose. We have over twenty-five years of helping people work their way through all of the elements of a divorce. We make sure that the participants will come to a practicable solution. Some participants have already agreed on many of the issues on our checklist before they walk in the door. Others have not discussed any issues, or may be nervous about particularly tender issues that they have not been successful in discussing outside of mediation. This is where our expertise in problem solving is effective in helping a couple come to an agreement. We start working on getting the terms of the agreement detailed out immediately. During the mediation, we look at the big picture, and help the participants understand the options. In this phase, it often becomes apparent that there are areas where flexibility by the participants can be used to achieve a fair and practical resolution. One of our mediators, James L. LaPann, Esq. has been a practicing attorney for over twenty-five years. He will provide the participants with information about the law, and how the law applies to the participants' particular situation. His role is that of a "third-party neutral." As a "third party neutral," he can provide legal facts to the participants, but he cannot provide legal advice. He will continue to work with the participants until all the issues have been agreed upon, and the terms of the separation agreement clearly and precisely state what the two participants want it to say. The participants are reminded frequently throughout the mediation that they can and should get the opinion of a lawyer if they have any questions about their rights. In mediation, we do not give legal advice or counsel. Before signing the Separation Agreement, some individuals have the document reviewed by a lawyer who will look at the Separation Agreement for that individual's best interest. Some couples opt to not have separate legal advice. The choice is yours. Once the agreement is fully completed and agreed upon by both participants, it is signed. The Separation Agreement can become the foundation for an uncontested divorce which can be pursued immediately if the couple wishes to go forward. Or, the participants can decide to remain in a separated situation, under the terms of a separation agreement.
Sessions usually last one hour. However, when we are nearing a final resolution, we will sometimes extend beyond one hour to get the matter resolved if all participants are in agreement. The number of sessions varies depending on the complexity of the issues and the needs of the participants. Successful mediations usually take from one to four sessions. We can schedule these sessions as frequently as the schedules of the participants and the mediators allow. The sessions are usually held in the evening.4. EMOTIONAL RESULTS OF MEDIATION COMPARED TO LITIGATION The reality of a divorce court trial is that most litigants walk out of the courtroom feeling as if they have just been run over by a truck. Therefore, for most divorcing or separating participants, their feelings after trial are not those of elation, but of disappointment and emotional and financial devastation. In any instance of a delighted divorce court victor, there is the other spouse who feels defeated or even humiliated. Often, both participants feel like they lost the case. And, for couples with children, any short-term "spoils" of the battle may be considerably less valuable than the long-term benefits of preserving a working relationship with the other parent. Even when both participants do find courtroom results reasonable, legal fees and emotional costs exact their toll on participants and their families - sometimes a crippling one. On the other hand, by using The Divorce Mediation Center, Inc., we see many couples emerge encouraged. They are encouraged that despite the fact that their relationship did not survive, they were able to work together so that they did not lose everything that they had worked so hard to achieve and that they were in agreement with the terms of their separation. At The Divorce Mediation Center, Inc., we also see a tremendous
amount of relief at the end of the mediation process. Within as
little as two one-hour sessions, a couple has resolved most, if not
all, of their issues. The rest of the process can be without
conflict. Although it is a big transition, the participants often
move into that transition with encouragement and relief that things
weren't as bad as they thought they would be. It depends upon how complex your issues are and how much conflict you and your spouse have. In the adversarial (litigation) system, each spouse retains their own lawyer and has to pay the full fee to their own lawyer. Attorneys ask for a retainer of approximately $2,500.00 to $5,000.00 before any work begins. As noted in a recent New York Times article, the average cost of a traditional divorce handled in court is $8,000-$20,000. This bill may be run up over many months or even years as a result of lawyers' delaying tactics and overburdened court calendars. At The Divorce Mediation Center, Inc., you do not need to bring in a retainer; you pay as you go so that you are not building up any large fees. For preparation of the separation agreement and the divorce papers, the participants do pay in advance, but it is a reasonable fee. At the time of the divorce, there are also filing fees for which you are responsible. However, you are given the list of fees for which you can financially prepare when the time comes.
Mediation is less expensive than going through the process of adversarial lawyers. At The Divorce Mediation Center, Inc., there are no retainer fees. Separate attorneys are not negotiating for you by the hour, so you are saving big fee costs. Because the most expensive part of litigation is coming to an agreement on the issues of custody, visitation, child support, and the division of assets and debts, at The Divorce Mediation Center, Inc. we get down to the core issues quickly and efficiently to help you solve problems. Also, as the participants find there are many areas in which they agree, the process itself encourages a constructive and more amicable dialogue. The couple is encouraged by their progress in areas that seemed insurmountable, and they find the remaining issues to be more easily resolved than they ever thought possible. Mediation is much faster and much less costly than going to court.
A matrimonial matter involves one or more of the following issues: 1. Division of marital property; 2. Division of debts/assets (equitable distribution); 3. Child support, custody, visitation, and shared decision-making; 4. Spousal support (maintenance). At The Divorce Meditation Center, Inc., we will walk you through
the process from start to finish, and we will make sure that your
agreement has all of the necessary issues covered. We also bring our
experience to the table to help you work out practical solutions
that will work in the real world. Yes, in order to get a divorce in New York State, you have to have grounds.
Below are listed the major grounds for divorce in New York State: 1. Cruel and inhuman treatment 2. Abandonment 3. Adultery 4. The husband and wife have lived separate and apart pursuant
to a decree or judgment of a separation or a separation agreement
for a period of one or more years. Yes. A common misconception about mediation is that it is only for couples who get along. Actually, mediation is extremely effective for the high-conflict couple who are most susceptible to escalating tensions of an adversarial process. All good mediators have an arsenal of tools they use to reduce anger, focus the participants on the relevant issues, and move the couple out of the areas of disagreement to agreement. Anger can be expressed in mediation, and, in fact, it is a valuable tool for a mediator to use to not only resolve the divorce, but also to help shape a better divorce agreement. In mediation anger is a clue that there is an important piece of information which has not yet been expressed, and which must be explored and understood. Anger tells the mediator that someone has important needs which are not being met. Once the area of disagreement has been resolved, the anger seems to disappear.
In our experience, the most remarkable aspect of mediation is how it benefits the children. Poor school performance and general depression are a concern. Sometimes, spouses are so caught up in their anger at each other that they don't see the extent of the children's pain. Children need loving, consistent attention and assurance that the divorce is not their fault and that their parents still love them. At The Divorce Meditation Center, Inc., we focus on resolving issues as quickly as possible so that the stress on the family is greatly reduced. By having resolutions to problems, the family can focus on moving forward with their lives. The mediator helps the parents work TOGETHER for the benefit of the family as a whole. 13. CAN I WITHDRAW FROM MEDIATION? Yes. Divorce mediation is a voluntary process. This means that both you and your spouse must be willing participants. If either you or your spouse is not happy with the progress of the mediation, either one of you may withdraw at any time.
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